Yesterday, Facebook reminded me of a post I wrote two years ago about my struggle to accept the fact that I dropped out of college. Today, I’d like to share why I’ve decided not to go back.
I’ve touched on this a little in a post called Going Back, but I’ve done a lot of thinking about my relationship with college over the past two years that I’d like to share.
When I first left Smith, I was devastated. I’d failed at something I’d thought I was made for. I’d been in love with the idea of going to college since I was ten. I’d imagine myself wandering picturesque pathways between gorgeous brick buildings. I’d study the things I wanted to study, not a prescribed course of education chosen for me…
College wasn’t what I expected. I didn’t have the freedom of class choice I’d thought I would have. Our assignments were still too strict for my liking. I was looking for a more independently-guided program, and when I got sick, I don’t think I felt motivated to get better. So I didn’t.
So I didn’t.
After leaving, when I started working and putting on weight again, my immediate thoughts were about how to get back to school. I was still too focused on the idea that I couldn’t be a failure that I didn’t pause to examine whether it was the right thing for me.
I made a plan. I’d work at whatever job I could get while writing my book and if I hadn’t made any substantial progress towards getting published by the time I turned 24, I’d go back to school.
I chose 24 because then I could apply for financial aid as an independent student without having to submit my parents’ tax returns.
Well, I turned 24 in January, and I’m not going back to school. I’m not published yet, but that’s not the plan I laid out. I said substantial progress. At the time, I thought that would mean having an agent, or even a publisher. I have neither, but I have submitted short stories to markets, finished three drafts of my book, begun outlining for my next novel, received rejection letters for my short stories, resubmitted them to different markets, forged industry connections by attending writing retreats and conventions…
I’d say that’s progress.
But it wasn’t that progress that changed my mind. It was growing up.
It was realizing that I have a good job, that I’m doing the things that I love doing, that I’m happy with what I’m doing. It was realizing I don’t want to leave Maine; I want to set down roots. I want to formally step into full adulthood.
So, after I turned 24, I didn’t apply to school. I requested permission to start working full-time at the company for whom I’ve done work over the last three years. That request was approved. I’ve decided to move out of my parents’ house.
I was afraid that this decision might slow my writing progress, but the reverse has been true. I’ve been more focused and goal oriented now that I’ve decided to break the holding pattern and land in adulthood.
Maybe, later, I’ll regret not going back to school. This decision isn’t my end all and be all. I can change my mind at any time, but for now, I’m not going back, I’m staying right here.
Thank you for reading.
I did a similar thing. I dropped out due to health/financial reasons with the idea that I would wait until 24 to return. By 24, I was making too much money to go back, so I waited one more year. When I went back, I loved it, but I had never felt constrained when I was there before. I was so ravenous to be back in that environment that I got two utterly unrelated degrees in 4 years, and overloaded myself with classes and a schedule where I was cramming and testing out of things every summer. I followed that trajectory right into graduate school before I reassessed. Once I was in, I didn’t know what I wanted to do, but I realized that being a professor wasn’t for me. Then the economy collapsed, so I kept treading that path clinging to my measly teaching assistant’s salary. Then I discovered writing, but I was so close to the end that I went ahead and pushed through. Now I’m in a place where I’ve got my own company making interactive novels. It’s not putting any bread on the table yet, but I have the degree to keep myself fed until it does. I also need the degree in order to pay back the loans that were needed to get the degree. If you’re passionate about something and you can’t do it without a degree, then you should get it. If you can be happy and keep yourself afloat while you perfect your craft, that’s a much better use of your focus. Congrats on going the way you want to. And if you’re old and regret not having gotten a degree, you can just stop and get one then.
Thanks so much for sharing. I figure I can always go back if I need to. My grandmother finished her degree after raising all her kids and my grandfather went back and got a completely different advanced degree after he retired from his first career. Their paths have definitely helped in my decision-making process.